Power Ranking MLS Things - Week 2

If the first week of the MLS Season was awesome and exciting, the second week was admittedly pretty stupid. We had some good matches. We had some great goals. We even had SNOW SOCCER. SNOW SOCCER, PEOPLE - and yet, the biggest headline of the week came from two club’s twitter accounts once again getting into a spat. Let’s get into all of it.

5. Minnesota is Pretty Bad

Snow soccer was awesome. The fans were awesome. It was a pretty unusual scene for Major League Soccer and it would have been incredible if the hosts hadn’t been completely and utterly dismantled in front of their passionate fans. It took three minutes for the difference in quality between our two new squads to become glaringly obvious. Josef Martinez scored a hat trick, Miguel Almiron added 2 goals and an assist. An already terrifyingly pliable defensive unit took a huge loss when John Alvbage was frighteningly injured late in the game, and Jacob Peterson (remember him?) popped up to add a sixth. Kevin Molino did his best to provide Minnesota with an offensive spark, and he looked head and shoulders above his teammates. #freemolino. You heard it here first. The man deserves better. Further evidence of the ocean of ability between Atlanta and Minnesota was flaunted when Atlanta went to the bench to pull Kenwyne Jones - a player better than any on their opponents' side to waste some time in the second half.

4. The San Jose Earthquakes and the Houston Dynamo and the Chicago Fire Might be Good?

Being a person that hurriedly has to come to conclusions about Major League Soccer and write about it is supposed to be easy. Make a few cracks at some generally terrible teams’ expense. Perhaps a Chivas comparison here, a little acronym humor, IE, I’ll tell you what folks the Chicago Fire are rich in TAM and by TAM I mean TERRIBLE AND MISERABLE, and boom clicks ahoy my friends. So seeing these usually mockable teams do interesting and exciting things is both a joy (as we are all fans of underdogs and redemption and all that Oscar bait worthy stuff), and also terrifying because I have all of these joke drafts about the Chicago Fire (Maybe CHICAGO should FIRE everybody am I right?) and now I can’t use them. You know who the big losers are? My readers. You are the new Chivas. Sorry.

3. Portland’s Goal Was Awesome

I have a lot of thoughts on how everything in that match went down, none of them will be flattering to the Portland Timbers and we’ll get to that in a minute, but let’s stop for one second and appreciate that before all of the shenanigans and the diving and the Twitter spats, there were a few great moments of soccer and Diego Chara’s end to end run in a pitch perfect three player, six or seven touch (hard to count) counter attack was the best of the weekend. If you could give a Supporter’s Shield to a goal, this would be our new favorite. Just look at it. Let it speak for itself. It was a wondrous thing

2. I Said a Nice Thing About Portland, Now I Will be Mean

Ok, I hope Portland fans enjoyed that because now let’s talk about the complete nonsense that happened not long after. First of all. Those were both total and complete dives and we can use the whole “trying to avoid a tackle” excuse if it makes you feel better, but we know the truth. Diego Chara’s was particularly embarrassing, and David Guzman’s was, well, also quite embarrassing. They’ll both avoid suspension due to technicalities, and neither of those things excused Jelle Van Damme’s “dissent” or carelessness, but if he’s going to have to miss a game so should these jokers. Guzman dove so hard he injured himself which is either sad or funny depending on which side of the bed you woke up on. If you’re going to be elite (and we’ve seen that you can be), stop this.

1. Now Then. We Aren’t Done With This Are We?

The LA Galaxy took a rotten piece of citrus and turned it into a mildly euphoric glass of ice cold refreshing lemonade with a video mocking Chara and Guzman’s dives set to a popular meme. It was funny. It was hip, and it went viral like a plague. Portland’s social team, who ignored the very obvious and correct strategy of letting it go, decided to counter with some empty seats bantz. This was particularly ineffective as a casual Google search would enlighten you that the Galaxy have a higher average attendance than the Timbers. They also promised a video with “we have video guys too”. We’re still waiting for that super cool comeback by Portland’s video guyz. You got the three points in the standings. But LA won the week.