This afternoon we got a strange email from somebody calling himself Ernst, an American. At Total MLS we rarely accept writing submissions on spec, but when this popped up into our inbox, we knew it was our patriotic duty to post it in hopes that they hype contained within somehow feeds in our national consciousness this evening. Is this satire? We honestly don’t know, but thanks for writing Ernst, an American.
We can win. Say it with me now; we can win. I want everybody to take a step back and realize that this is a battle of the land of Springsteen against the land of The Tango, and last time I checked you don’t need to pay for a set of eight lessons to appreciate Bruce Springsteen.
Sure, I guess that Messi guy is pretty good. Yeah he scored 93 goals in a calendar year but how many of those were in the U.S. of A? None (editor’s note, he’s scored four goals in the last two weeks in the USA, but I see where he’s going with this). How many is he going to score in Texas tonight? None because Kyle Beckerman and Geoff Cameron have trained for this day and this day alone their entire careers. Besides, the USMNT is 3-0-0 in semi-finals in Houston - fact (editor’s note: This is indeed, a fact).
Led by native Texan, Clint Dempsey, the United States will muster every ounce of grit that allowed George Washington to cross the Delaware River back in 1776. It’s in every American's blood just waiting to be used, and tonight’s the night for those 11 men to tap into that odds be damned manifest destiny spirit that made this the greatest country in the world. They say Argentina “plays with a certain freedom”. Well guess what? We invented freedom.
Tonight is not the night we are defeated. Tonight we are the best soccer team on the planet. Tonight we are 50 stars and 13 bars of pure in-your-face 4-5-1 nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. The spirits of Bobby Wood and Jermaine Jones will linger over the pitch at NRG Stadium, sending quivers of fear down the spines of Messi, Aguero and Otamendi. That’s right Argentina, we don’t even need Bobby Wood.
Tonight’s match will be the personification of if Jimi Hendrix’s version of the national anthem and Hulk Hogan had a baby, only it will be full grown and awesome at soccer.
Argentina’s time is done. It’s over. I’m sick and tired of hearing how good of a soccer team Argentina are. If you think that Americans are scared of overcoming odds and overthrowing an entrenched world power, well then son, I suggest you open up a history book.
Americans, scarves up, red white and blue on. It’s party time.
-Ernst, an American.